Another taboo. Yet another hush-hush. Let’s answer the question right away, there is nothing wrong with having sex before marriage, and there is nothing wrong with waiting until marriage. Once we are clear with this, let’s look at why this question is so prevalent in many cultures.
It is a weird phenomenon that South Asian cultures have to speak and break taboos about sex when we all know that one of the most outstanding books written in this genre was from India.
The Kamasutra is not just a book about positions but relationships, communication, and skills. Interestingly, it was written for men to understand how to pleasure women, as women were not taught to read and write. Our ancestors took pleasure seriously. Cut to the 21st century when we have put all these subjects in a shame box.
Most of us are even doing it but not speaking up due to shame. Right and wrong are two extremes. What we are trying to understand is the nuance of it all. Let us have an open-ended conversation about it.
It’s Patriarchy speaking.
The rules for men and women are different when the question of sex before marriage arises. Sexual intercourse decides concepts like virginity and ‘pureness’ of a woman in the past. Devil practices encircling white sheet tests for brides is the reason for breaking the marriage.
The thought process is so deep-rooted that men who are not virgins expect wives to be virgins. But let’s face the truth for a minute: Virginity is a myth. Around 65% lose their hymen in sports activities. If the concept doesn’t exist for men, it shouldn’t exist for women too.
Men are also put under pressure of knowing more than women do. Even if it’s positions, pleasure, or mere knowledge about their sexual fantasies, the society we live in considers this as immoral, which indeed doesn’t hold any logic at the base.
No assumptions, please.
When it comes to adult relationships and commitments, it is best to communicate. Don’t assume that your partner mustn’t have had sex. If one wants a person who has saved themselves until marriage, make sure you have communicated this with your partner. Ask questions to know and understand what you would like to settle with. Find out what irks you as an individual and express it as a couple. Ideas of jealousy and insecurities will wear off, and such conversations will build trust.
The Messaging
Marriage is a dearly held pact that is acceptable by society. But why marry? Sure, the answers would be to have a companion through extended life and have a family of our own.
How come everything that is not allowed before marriage becomes so auspicious after marriage? Sex taboo before marriage is celebrated as the “Suhaagraat” or the Wedding Night in many cultures.
Let’s get the cat out of the bag; women are as sexual beings as men are. So why hold the honours of family in the vagina of a woman? The point here is that society has connected women’s sexuality with morality and judgement.
The messaging should change with mindset. Not because we are in the 21st century, but it is working in today’s day and age. Sexual Compatibility has become one of the crucial criteria for a good relationship.
Let’s go to the basics.
Summing it up, sex before marriage is an individual choice. Choices have results/consequences, and thus if one is ready to bear with them, nothing should stop you.
Pleasure is essential but constant desires can drive you crazy, and anything in excess is never good.
Remember that consent is necessary. Before or after marriage, consensual sex is the best sex one can have. Beware of STIs and other infections that might come with it. Use protection. Explore and experiment to keep the spice up in your relationship.
